SPORTS
Anyone who has been a friend of mine for any length of time is aware of how much I dislike sports. In fact, I cannot think of any activity that is a bigger waste of time or money. Occasionally I will meet someone who is just floored by the fact that I never watch sports, let alone hate them. Mind you, I do not wear this fact on my sleeve. I usually just try to explain that “I just never watch sports.” Oddly, there is a certain section of the male population for which this does not compute. When encountered, this person will stare at me quizzically, and proceed to tell me about the game last night even though I have just told them that I have no interest in it. I hardly ever tell people my real opinion on the matter, which is that organized sports are a blight on society which needs to be scrubbed off with a wire brush and some bleach. But that’s what this blog is for, right?
But before I start slamming on the societal leach that is organized sports, let me first state that in certain circumstances, sports are fun and appropriate. In fact my wife recently asked me about activities in which our daughter should be participating. I brought up sports almost immediately. Being aware of my stance on sports, she looked at me for a moment and then decided I was being snide and facetious. “No,” I explained, “Our daughter is five years old. Sports are great for little kids. In the end, that’s what sports are: children’s games. Kids need exercise and they need to learn about team work, rules, and cooperative play. They need to learn how to strive to win and lose gracefully. All of those lessons are wonderful for a five-year-old. If a fully grown man spends 20-30 hours each week trying to be better at running back and forth on a hard wood floor to put a ball in a basket he needs to have his fucking head examined. If Zoe wants to spend a couple of evenings a week playing t-ball or soccer, that’s fine.”
And I wasn’t lying. Sports have a place in elementary, middle, and high school. I even understand adults wanting to play sports to a certain degree. I played intramural sports in college. I played volleyball and ultima frisbee against the other dorms. I met some friends this way, and met a couple of girlfriends too. I got some exercise and had something to talk smack about with my friends. In order to facilitate intramural sports such as this, the university maintained a couple of sand volleyball courts and bought a few balls and frisbees every year. The dormitory staff organized and scheduled the games. The budget for this was probably a couple of grand a year, if that. Hundreds of people enjoyed it and got some exercise. That seems like a good thing too.
And I am sure that as the years go by I will enjoy watching my daughter play sports. I will sit in the stands eating snow cones and cheering. I will enjoy talking about team politics with the other parents and watching the team progress through the ranks.
But after a while, its time to get serious. When people are deciding careers and thousands upon thousands of dollars are being spent (and borrowed) for tuition, do organized sports really have a place?
As you can probably guess, I think the answer is a resounding, “no.” There are many people who are complicit in this complete waste of time. The players, the administration, and the fans themselves all come together and pay fantastic sums of tuition and tax dollars to watch grown adults play children’s games. And I will rag on all of them one by one.
But before I do that I would like to address an argument that for years I entertained. My friends used to tell me, “Buck, you need to lighten up on sports, man. What’s the old saying? Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong? You are probably the only person in the universe that doesn’t like sports. And what do you do with your free time that is so much better than being a sport’s fan? You play video games, right? Yeah. That’s a much better use of your free time. We piss away our time being sports fans. You piss away your time trying to get to level 20 on Galaga. And this is better…how?”
And for years that really made sense to me. Everybody wastes time right? But then I wrote my epic post about my first introduction to computer games. If you have the stamina to read it you will find out that before long I was learning to program two different computer systems to make my own text adventure. This made me think about all the other experiences I have had with gaming. When I got older I started playing multi user dungeons or MUDS. This led to me trying to make my own which included learning yet another programming language and learning about networking. Back during the Amiga and the early PC years you had to be a freaking computer scientist just to get a game to work. I learned how to allocate memory, write my own batch files, and design special boot disks. When Doom came out I learned that there was a level editor. I spent hours learning about the first kinds of 3D modeling. I worked for a while with a group that designed a Star Wars themed port for the game. When Half-Life came out, I again found the ‘World Editor’ included with the package. Now I was learning about modern 3D design and compiling my own deathmatch levels. Currently I am really into emulation. I am currently learning to emulate several older systems on modern machines to play classic games. This has led me to learn about using emulation as the perfect defense against viruses and worms. I am currently discussing the installation of an email server on an emulated copy of XP at work that would allow me to back up not just the contents of the hard drive, but the entire virtual computer so that the system will be absolutely foolproof against crashes and viruses.
In other words, I am not a casual gamer, so this argument just doesn’t hold water. I guess someone who does not have any interest in computers could argue that I am still wasting my time, but my current employers sure don’t think so. Games have evolved over the years. There is always something interesting, new, and different to play. When you take into account the added layer of experimentation and learning about computers, there is really no comparison between what I do and being obsessed with the local sports team.
So with that in mind, let the rant begin. First up…
The Fans
Louisville doesn’t have any professional sports teams. This is still the case despite the city government constantly wooing teams in other cities to move here. They have outright offered up my tax dollars to make this happen in the form of promises for a subsidized arena and tax breaks to any franchise that wishes to move here. But alas, no fish has been hooked. All sports in this town are college based. So all those people who are itching for a sports fix become college fans whether or not they attended that college or any college. Living in Dallas was not like this. I hate to talk about sports, and when you mention that in open conversation everyone looks at you like a freak. So one of the tricks I used to use in Texas was to guide a conversation about sports back to the university. When I lived in Texas this was fairly easy. Example:
“Buckman! Did you see the UT game last night?”
“No I didn’t, but hey, I didn’t know you were a UT fan. What did you major in while you were there?”
Almost without exception, a fan of the team had at least attended the university, if not graduated. Asking their major was pretty safe. The conversation would move to what they did at the university, and I didn’t have to explain that I didn’t have any interest in the biggest game in the universe that everyone was talking about.
Don’t try this in Kentucky though. I think about thirteen or fourteen people in Kentucky have ever attended a university. The University of Louisville looks like a big impressive campus with a lot of brick buildings and some maintenance crews that mow the lawns and such. But I think everyone you see walking around during the week are just support staff for the stadium. If you ask the average U of L fan what their major was, they will tell you they dropped out of high school.
But regardless of school affiliation, why in the hell does anyone want to see people run back and forth with a ball? Really. My complaint is as simple as that. Video games at least provide variety. You may be a space ship pilot, or a spy, or you may be doing the fantasy RPG thing. Maybe you’re playing an adventure game or waging a war for world domination. Forget all the added stuff I have done over the years with emulation, 3d design, and programming. I don’t even need it for the argument. Nope, the sports fan some how gets pleasure from seeing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again. A bunch of people running back and forth trying to put a ball somewhere. Who gives a fuck?
At least with video games I get to participate and be part of the action. When I was playing Counter Strike I got to mow down the enemy and get the bragging rights. Here in Kentucky I see droves of people who never attended U of L, never played basketball, and are morbidly obese and out of shape, but are obsessed with the U of L athletics program. They will yell things at the TV like, “Wow! Did you see that guy jump? He must have been in the air forever!” So a person who has never played the sport, and never intends to get any exercise himself is jumping for joy because a man he has never met that goes to a university he has never attended can jump high. Am I the only one who thinks this is retarded?
The Players
Being an athlete is cool. There is a lot of personal satisfaction that can be gained from such things. Being in top physical shape has its benefits too. There are plenty of people who do this, and I totally get it. There are people who run almost every day, and sign up for marathons. That’s a great hobby. There are people who spend a lot of money playing golf on the weekends. Walking around in a pretty park playing a game against your friends is fun too. You are outdoors enjoying yourself. You get to talk some smack with them. Afterwards (or even during the game) you can knock back a couple of beers. Tennis and racquetball make sense too. Good exercise. It’s fun to compete with friends at the local YMCA or the club. Yep. I get it.
But what about the adult professional athlete? What about the guy who played basketball since he was a kid? He played it through middle school. Through high school. Through college. And now he is in the pros! And man can he jump high and put that ball in a basket! Congratulations retard, you are an expert with thousands upon thousands of hours of experience in a children’s game. In your quest to be an expert in your field you have most likely forgotten all of the things my daughter will learn while playing sports. Remember? Team work, rules, and cooperative play? Striving to win and losing gracefully? Nope. You have long since forgotten all that stuff. You don’t need it now. You have an agent.
Have you ever seen a sports interview? If you have seen one, there is no need to ever bother seeing one again. All sports interviews can be boiled down to five questions. The answers to these questions are identical. They’re so uniform that you don’t even need to hear the questions. That would be a complete waste of time. I’ll just give you all the answers:
- Well, you know, we are going to go out there and play our best on game day. That’s all we can do. And God willing, we will be the victors.
- The season started out slow, but we have been building our teamwork and learning to play together. The team is really working as a cohesive unit now.
- Sure we love to play at home. We love the fans. This is all for them.
- The doctors tell me that my knee will be just fine. I’m ready to go out there and give it 110% on game day.
- I think the coaching staff is doing a fine job. I have a lot of respect for the leadership of this organization, and God willing we will win on *insert day*.
Damn. I couldn’t even get through those five answers without being redundant. I have an idea. This should save a lot of network air time. I think ESPN should have an interview show where no questions are asked. They just line up athletes and have them bleat out a one sentence mashup of the five answers above. They could say something like, “Going to play our best on game day, season started out slow, team playing better now, we love to play at home, this is all for the fans, my knee will be fine, the coach and the owners are great, God willing we will win on game day, peace out.” I think most athletes could read that off of a cue card in about ten seconds. What am I thinking? They’re athletes, so it will take most of them thirty seconds or more. But it would still save tons of time so that the networks could shoe horn even more ads into their programming which is already interrupted once every 4 minutes. But in case there is some pesky FCC regulation about having more ads than content, the network might be able to show more sports. So you can watch more people running back and forth with a ball on a field or court. The redundant interviews would be replaced with more redundant footage of the games.
Finally I would like to give a nod to the commitment and perseverance of the Olympic athlete. Some athletes spend every waking moment of their lives trying to master sports like curling, or synchronized swimming. I can’t really bring myself to watch the Olympics anymore, but I used to love the interviews and montages of an athlete’s life that would be shown just before an event.
“This is the story about Ally-Mae, born in Podunk Wisconsin. Her parents were share croppers and from the age of three little Ally-Mae knew that she wanted to be an Olympic badminton champion. She pursued this goal with a tenacity that bordered on obsession. Her parents paid for lessons as early as the age of four. By the time she was in first grade she was considered to be an Olympic hopeful and woke up every morning at 3:30am to train before school. Fifteen years and eight surgeries later, it’s little Ally-Mae’s time to shine!”
Look. I know that in a previous post I made a big deal about supporting your kids in whatever it is that they would want to do. But if my daughter wants me to get up every morning at 4am to take her to synchronized swimming practice I am going to have to have a long talk with her. I also suspect that many Olympic athletes are pushed into this by the same kind of psycho parents that push there kids into child acting and beauty contests. The best policy in this, as in everything, is moderation. It’s great if little Johnny wants to join a sports team. If he spends more time at that sport than he does in school, then everybody involved needs to take a deep breath and a reality check.
The Administration
Rick Pitino is the coach of the University of Louisville basketball team. He is currently paid $2.5 million per year. There are approximately 21,000 students attending the university. Doing a bit of simple math, every student in the school is responsible for roughly $119 of his salary every year. This year he is due for a ‘Loyalty Bonus’ for staying with the program so long. This $3.6 million bonus will represent an extra $171 coming from each student. That’s $290 per student so far just this year. But let’s not forget that the new waterfront arena is scheduled to open this year for a reported $252 million. The total debt in bonds for this project will be $573 million over 30 years. $206 million of this will be paid by the city of Louisville. $265 million is to come from increased tax revenue generated by business that the new complex will bring.
Oh yeah…this is just one of U of L’s sports teams. This year they will also expand their football stadium to add 14,000 seats (originally they wanted to add 21,000 seats which is about one seat for each student currently enrolled in the school) at a cost of $72 million. Roughly half of that will be paid by issuing bonds. Oddly enough, since they announced the expansion in 2006, attendance has gone down every year and currently seats are only selling at about 77% capacity. So they can’t even fill the seats they have.
This all comes at a time when students across the country are protesting budget cuts and tuition hikes. The biggest argument I keep hearing for all of these expenditures is that the athletics programs are self sustaining and they actually make the university money. I dug around for some statistics on this and found the Accountants’ Report and Financial Statements for the Athletic Association for 2008 and 2007. In 2008 $1.9 million collected in student fees went to the athletic teams, and the university transferred $2.1 million to the program. $4 million from university funds is not self sustaining. When the plans for the waterfront park arena were originally drawn up, it was estimated that the complex would lose $123,000 each year. But hey, what’s that when compared to Pitino’s salary, right? But it made people angry so they shuffled some things around, got rid of the attached hotel idea and lo and behold it should generate an annual profit of $196,000 each year. I’m sorry to point this out, but that university is only a hiccup and one shitty season away from losing millions a year. Looking at the recent decline in football attendance I wouldn’t bet money on any of this. It’s sheer folly.
And yet I still hear all of these arguments about it being a wonderful thing and that it will bring business and stimulus to the region along with added tax revenue. Pundits argue that revenue is revenue and that what’s good for the university is good for everyone. Meanwhile EMS workers and other city employees are put on furlough due to shortfalls on budgets. The whole sports arena looks like a house of cards built on the assumption that they are going to have winning seasons and sold out stadiums for the next 30 years. Let’s put this in perspective. A city that is sinking financially just like the rest of the country is shoveling millions of dollars towards an institution of higher learning whose department with the largest budget is a bunch of people who want to play children’s games in front of capacity crowds made up of people who don’t even attend the school. What the fuck? What should I expect though? I live in Kentucky where everyone has twelve toes and carnal knowledge of their cousin. Every year we duke it out with West Virginia for the bragging rights of being the most toothless state in the union, and as of 2009 we are the leaders in child abuse and neglect. So this stupidity seems perfectly fine in this bizzarro-state. Sure…why the fuck not?
Two of the universities I have attended previously all but shut down their athletics programs. For a while I went to Richland College in Dallas. They started a sports program and wanted a mascot so the student body saw the ducks in one of the ponds and decided we were the Thunder Ducks. After a few years most of the athletic programs were shut down due to lack of interest. I also attended the University of Texas at Arlington. The student body there decided to just shut down the football program all together and use the stadium for band practice and parking. Now that’s my kind of school.
Interestingly, France has free health insurance for all its citizens, tuition at all universities is free, and the schools do not waste time with organized sports. Most of them retain their own teeth and are not obese. Perhaps I was born in the wrong place. Who knows?
Meanwhile, when co-workers and other people I know ask me if I saw the game last night I will just smile and try to change the subject. I have no reason to argue, do I? Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong, can they? Oh wait, the French don’t do this stupid crap.
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