One of these days, this blog is going to be a reference for all things Buckman. And when my daughter is about 30, I might let her read it. Well, maybe 40. Some of the material in here is pretty rough. However, I would also like this to be a place where I can look up information. This means more recipes. And not just recipes, but detailed cooking experience. And today, I am writing about the ever elusive omelette.
Lots of false information has been published about omelettes. Nathalie Dupree used to have a show on Food Network. And I hate to admit it, but watching her cook was like seeing a drunken chimpanzee fling fecal matter at the camera. One of the worst demos she ever did was omelette making. She would use partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, and preheat the skillet just shy of the point where the Teflon coating threatened to shear from the surface of the pan. Then she would throw a couple or three helpless eggs into the pan to be cooked by a technique that can only be described as immolation. She would then use a rubber coated pair of tongs to remove the charred wreckage from the pan about 5 seconds later. She would then stuff these hockey pucks full of cheese and let it set in a plate. I think she burned herself twice and for the rest of the show had to wear welders gloves and hide behind a riot shield while she cooked.
Over the years I have learned to make omelettes in many different ways, for different purposes, and with different equipment. So without any more fanfare I will try to impart this information to you.
Omelettes can be classified in many ways, but for the purposes of learning how to cook, it helps to divide them into the ‘fluffy’ and the ‘set’ varieties. They both have their strengths and their weaknesses. Take the fluffy omelette for instance. This is the small omelette found in many hotels and restaurants. This is usually cooked to order by someone who knows what they are doing. Think hoity-toity hotel with an ‘omelette station.’ The eggs are whipped heavily and introduced to high heat so that the water in the eggs turns to steam making the eggs puffy and light. These omelettes are small, usually just two eggs. They are almost always cooked on just one side. Those who like this omelette are not put off by the fact that the middle can sometimes be a bit runny. Although a good cook can set this omelette all the way through without burning it. Despite this, folks who are afraid of runny eggs will never order them. Nine times out of ten this will also keep your guests from eating yours if you cook them this way. The ‘set’ variety of omelette is for those who do not like to live on the edge. This omelette is cooked under very low heat and is not quite as fluffy or visually appealing. The strengths of this variety though are that they can be made to any size and they are easier to cook.
We will talk about the set variety first. As I have said above, these omelettes can be made to any size. So the amount of eggs you use should be determined by the size of the pan. A small skillet can accommodate two eggs, while a larger 12 inch skillet can take four or more eggs. When you beat your eggs, resist the urge to add water since you are not looking for the steam effect. Beat them with a whisk until the yolk and the white can no longer be distinguished. Melt enough butter to thinly coat the bottom of the skillet. Can you use oil? Sure. But remember it will taste slightly different and the oil has a higher smoking point. Since you will be cooking this with low heat, there is really no need to use the material with the higher smoking point. That is, unless you are out of butter. In which case, knock yourself out. Can you use bacon grease? Sure you can, you naughty thing you. Just be sure not to use too much. If you go down this decadent road, pour off all the excess that will come out of the pan.
There are two dirty secrets which will be scoffed at by so-called real chefs. One is a lid. Use it. Turn that fire down really low. Pour the eggs in the pan. Put a lid on it and cook both sides at once. I actually came to this realization one day on my own, and smacked myself in the forehead sharply for trying to cook them any other way for an embarrassing number of years. Once the eggs have set on both sides, add filling, fold one side over and call it a morning. You’re done. The other dirty secret is to flip the omelette over completely before adding filling. This requires some skill. But it may require less skill than cooking it slowly without burning it. As a matter of fact, this is my secret for an omelette that I have burned. Turn off the burner and flip the whole disk over. The other side will set while the pan cools and the burned bit will be hidden on the inside. It’s a sneaky trick, but it works every time. I hate serving an omelette that is brown. It’s just freaking lame.
Special note about the fold: There are basically two ways to fold this kind of omelette. You can do the half hold which is common, or the fancy tri-fold that you find in various breakfast restaurants such as Denny’s or IHOP. Truth be told though, the tri-fold omelette is not as fancy as it looks. Most of these are omelettes that are cooked on a short order flat-top that is too hot for a set omelette and too cold for a fluffy omelette. The result is usually a set omelette that is slightly burned in the middle. Want proof of this? Have a peak under your next IHOP omelette. The middle will be brown. The edges look better exposed to the customer. Don’t be shy about using this trick yourself though. Just fill it full of crap and call it a Denver omelette. Your guests will never know the difference and think it’s fancy. If the ask too many questions make them a bloody mary or a mimosa. Alcohol will shut them up.
And now for the fluffy omelette. This is the one that takes a bit of skill. There is really no way to hide. You either know what you are doing, or you will look like Nathalie Dupree without a fire extinguisher. Use butter to coat the pan. That having been said, if you wish to cut it with a little oil that might be okay. That will increase the flash point of your cooking surface, but in my experience the proper heat for the pan is about when the butter starts to smoke, so why ruin this natural thermometer? If you are new to this, do not get fancy. Use a small pan. And beat the living crap out of your eggs. Add water or go commando if you wish. Adding milk will get you nowhere though. You want steam to be formed. That’s going to happen when water molecules hit 212 degrees. If you want to add COLD milk with more fat which has a higher smoke point to slow that down then go ahead and get that carton of milk. Sucker. All the people who know what they are doing will add WARM water to your eggs so it has a shorter distance to the magic 212.
Now throw that stuff in the pan and agitate it a bit with the spatula. Once it starts to puff either lift the pan off the heat a bit or turn down the fire. Do whatever makes more sense with your setup. When the steam starts to fluff your eggs you will want to let this continue without getting too hot so as to burn the bottom. If you have a good fluff going on, and removing it from the heat doesn’t make it fall, then return the pan to a lower flame to set the egg on top without burning the bottom. It is easier to pull this off with a gas stove, but those who are adept at electric flat-top cooking will develop a manic dance of moving the pan on and off the burner to achieve the right temperature. This can also be achieved over a camp fire in an iron skillet while still hung over from the night before. However this is beyond the scope of this tutorial. See a future post entitled ‘Advanced Super Manly Omelettes.’ Setting the top of that omelette with a plumber’s torch will also be covered in that future post. But for now, just stick to the heat dance. If you are really a wimp (or clever, however you want to spin it) you can remove a fluffy omelette from the heat, cover it with a lid and let it set that way. But that is considered lame and out of bounds. Flipping this omelette, although tempting, is not allowed. That is unless no one is looking.
One of my good friends was a cook at the Waffle House for a short time. He once showed me their technique for this pan seared soufflé type thing that was utterly ridiculous. He took eggs and water and poured them into a metal cup. He then proceeded to whip them with a stand mixer usually used to make milk shakes. After being beaten and humiliated for a few minutes in the stand mixer the contents of the cup looked more like beer foam than eggs. He dumped this very quickly into an oil filled skillet that had been preheated for two or three days over a jet engine. The resulting froth solidified and rose right out of the pan by three or four inches before the bottom started to scorch a little and he threw it on a plate. If memory serves he let some cheese melt on top of it while it cooled and served it like that. I am not sure that this could be considered an omelette, but it is an instructive example of extreme egg fluffiness. You should stop a good bit south of this with your ‘fluffy’ omelette.
A note about fillings: omelettes are made for a reason. One should not set out to make an omelette and then go procure the ingredients to make it. One should stumble to the refrigerator in the morning and say, “Hey…that would make a good omelette.” The usual suspects are some sort of pork product or roasted meat that is left over from the night before. Spouse couldn’t finish her rib eye last night? That’s a good omelette. One leftover bratwurst? Yep. Chunk of left over rare roast beef? Score. Add some cheese to that and you are done. Adventurous males who do not wish to kiss their spouses for a while will add onions. Expect complaints. Then ignore them. Some people put tomatoes in their omelettes. That’s daft and you should be slapped. People who put green vegetables in omelettes should be mercilessly beaten as well. Left over asparagus can sometimes be acceptable, but should be cut up into small pieces and used sparingly. And if you stop and think about it long enough you will most likely find out that the reason you want asparagus is because it is after 11am and what you really want is a quiche. Seafood omelettes are also okay, but realize that you are now on the bleeding edge of acceptability and if you are cooking for someone else you are probably fast loosing your audience. This may be okay though. More omelette for you. You should also heat your chosen filling a bit before adding it to the omelette. If you add cold meat to the eggs, you may have trouble melting the cheese. So do yourself a favor and heat the leftover meat for a few seconds in the microwave before adding it to the mix.
One should also take care with pan selection as well. Do not, I repeat, do not go out and buy an omelette pan. That’s lame. You need a pan with sides. Not too tall, not to short. Just sides. If you cook at all, chances are you have a small Teflon pan. That’ll do. If it’s not Teflon, don’t get bent out of shape. Put some butter in there and give it a whirl. Most people ruin omelettes by trying to screw with them too much. They play with the edges. They try to peek under the egg by using the spatula. They swirl the loose egg in the pan. Cut all that crap out. Just pour the eggs in and go do something else for a minute. Just remember to come back before you smell something burning. If you let your eggs cook undisturbed and actually let them get done, you will find that they will easily come off of any surface. I often make omelettes in an iron skillet. Now, I should also disclose that my iron skillet is perfectly seasoned and properly kept. (Another future blog post.) But the take home here is that you don’t need another expensive kitchen item. You need the skill to use what you already have. People who buy special omelette pans make me almost as mad as people who buy rice cookers. You know what I use to cook rice? A pot. Madness.
Okay, so you should be armed with enough knowledge to strike out on your own and screw up a few omelettes. That is to be expected because the last thing you will need to make your omelette is experience. And that, you do not yet have. The only way to get that experience is to cook a few. Here is a hint. Make omelettes for yourself for awhile. Never ever try new things on guests. Why would you do that to them? For the next couple of months or so, every time you get the urge to make scrambled eggs with a bit of cheese, try to make an omelette. If you screw it up, chop the whole thing up in the pan and what you will have is scrambled eggs and cheese which is what you wanted to begin with. See? No one got hurt here. Don’t try and make this crap for the first time for that chick you got lucky with last night trying to impress her with breakfast in bed. Give her some fruit loops and get her the hell out of your apartment before she digs around in your mail to find your real phone number. And don’t be afraid to experiment. With the omelette that is. If you want to experiment with the chick you found last night you should not have woke up in your own apartment. That’s what her place is for. Steal her fruit loops before she wakes up and sneak out early before she can try and figure out where you live. Feel free to experiment with the eggs though.
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