Yesterday I wrote a post about the first dead person I ever saw while working in EMS.  During the course of that story I talked about my old training officer named ‘Danno.’  He was an interesting character.  At the time that he trained me, he had been in EMS for almost 20 years.  That would make him a 35 year veteran today.  Years ago he told me an outrageous story that has stuck with me.  I relay it every now and then because it is such a show stopper.  So I thought I would place it here for posterity.  We had just got done with a call involving a 450 lbs prostitute whose water had broke in a dive motel.  And yes, I stepped in it.  Thank you.  I was brand new.  The call reminded him of a call he had run early in his career, and he began the story:

*Please note, the story is written in the first person as Danno would have told it.  Having Danno’s whole story in quotes, and then putting more quotes around the dialogue in the story just got confusing.

*          *          *

So we got called to this motel back in the seventies.  It was a dive.  We were there to pick up an unconscious girl, and when we got to the room we knew something was up.  The place smelled like shit, and it was nasty.  She was every bit of 500 lbs, and she was butt naked, and spread eagle on the bed.  There was a guy that was quite a bit older than her who was packing up some stuff like he was coming with us.  My partner and I went right to her and started working.  And I asked the old man a couple of questions.

“Sir, what relation are you to this woman?”

“That’s my old lady.  She’s been screwed up for a while.”

“How long has she been unconscious?” I asked.

“Two days,” said the old man.  His tone was matter of fact.

“Two days?  Really?  She’s been laying here unconscious for two days?”

“That’s what I said.”

She was breathing, but she was deeply unconscious.  Sternal rubs and other various means of checking consciousness turned up nothing.  She was dead to the world. My partner put some O’s on her.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you call sooner?” I asked.

“Call sooner?  What the hell for, boy?”

He just wasn’t getting it, so I decided to let it go.  As we worked her some more we started to suspect drug usage.  Who wouldn’t in this case?  But my partner noticed something weird.  There was some blood and signs of infection down in her nether regions.  She was so obese that I missed it before, but when he pointed it out, it was pretty nasty.  I started looking around the room.  There were all sorts of weird things piled up everywhere.  They were just two junkies flopping in a motel and they had all their weird homeless shit with ‘em.  One of the things that struck me was that there were a couple of two-by-fours propped up in the corner.  When I looked back towards the patient, I noticed that there were a couple of splinters in her junk.  It sounds weird, but a couple of wood chips were actually caught in the fur if you know what I mean.

“Hey, old man.  What’s the story with those two-by-fours?  What’s going on here?”

“Oh that,” he didn’t miss a beat as he started to chuckle, “yeah, well you can see how damn fat she is.  And like I said, the bitch has been passed out for two days.  And well, I wanted to get me some, but her fat rolls was in the way, see?  So I been propping her shit out da way with those two-by-fours whenever I got the urge.”

Makes you have a deep faith in humanity, doesn’t it?

*          *          *

Danno was also a fountain of love advice.  He had been married for years, but his past was colorful.  He was fond of saying, “Some people try to call me a whore.  But that’s not accurate.  Whores charge.  I give it away so that makes me a slut.”

As I have said before, he was my first training officer.  In those very first days in EMS, he would often call out my name loudly and begin asking me medically related questions.  Some times they weren’t so medically related.  But he was always trying to impart his wisdom.

“Buckman!” he bellowed one afternoon.

“Yes, Danno,” I answered.

“Have you ever dated a psycho chic that you wanted to get rid of, but couldn’t?  You know, like she wouldn’t take the hint?”

“That hasn’t happened lately, girls have been getting rid of me.  But yes, that has occurred from time to time.”

“Okay, this is full proof.  This is what you do.  Go to her house and nail her senseless.  Just wreck her shit.”

“How’s that going to help?  Seems like that would kinda cause the opposite effect there, Danno.”

“Wait for it!  I’m not done.  After you get finished, walk over to the window and wipe it off on her curtains.  Then just get your stuff and leave.  I guarantee you, she’ll never call you back.  Mission accomplished.”

“Have you actually done this, Danno?”

“Hell yes!  Twice.  I don’t give advice I don’t follow myself.”

*          *          *

I truly feel blessed to have received such high caliber training so early in my career.  Although I was never able to try Danno’s ‘psycho chic solution’ I am sure that it is sound advice that every young man should know.  And I am proud to offer it here so that others may learn.

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